New Beginning 2.0

A little while ago I posted the new beginning of my novel. I’ve since completed that sweep of edits and have started the next. That beginning has been improved and hopefully is more readable now.

The platform stank of exhaust and urine. Behind the toilets, an adolescent boy exchanged a wad of cash for a packet of pills with a grizzled man in a tan trenchcoat. The teenager joined a gang on one end of the platform, ignoring the yellow safety line.

Another boy, Darian, sat huddled on a frozen bench and waited for the train to come. His breath misted in the air and his fingers ached. He hadn’t thought to ask his Instructor for gloves. Darian held out one hand and focused on it. Wispy threads of tree fibre wrapped around it, not enough to warm himself. He sighed and gave up.

Darian brushed some of his overlong, black hair out of his face. His fingers began to tingle, and it wasn’t pins and needles. They always tingled when danger was coming. He glanced at the gang. They watched him. He refused to make eye contact.

The train should have come by now. Darian wanted to leave Canberra and its corruption behind him as soon as possible. He flexed his fingers, still tingling, and contemplated returning to the Gaius Temple, which was where he learned to use his Earth magic. He decided against it. If he didn’t do this now, he wouldn’t have the courage to do this later.

Darian looked up and watched the gang swagger towards him. One of them had a knife. Another carried an ancient pistol. Darian was unarmed. He waved feebly at the approaching group, wary of doing anything they would consider disrespectful. A boy slightly ahead of the others, who appeared to be the leader of the saggy pants-wearing group, grabbed Darian by the collar and dragged him to his feet.

Comments appreciated. suggestions for improvement particularly so.


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